Ask The Mentalist - Loving another one

A large range of socioeconomic factors can cause mood disorders, the prolonging of which causing mental agony leading to psychological issues. Often, given to work-life imbalance, career anxieties or familial discord, personal problems get sidetracked leading to welling of repressed emotions. Most of mental disorders can be managed and erased if identified early in the day.

In a country like India, mental and emotional ill-health is attributed to several factors, such as social, cultural economic, political and environmental policies. While poverty, societal intolerance and bigotry do have severely damaging effects on the society, social stigma prevents comprehensive acknowledgement and treatment of the same. Focus on physical health is yet to come of age in India and thus focus on mental health may be a long way down the road. As such, it falls on the individual and families to provide care and emotional support to the vulnerable individuals. Any delay in seeking medical help could destroy the well-being of the whole family and hence cognizance of the fact is of key importance.

Hello, I am a 42-year-old man. I would have said I am a happily married man till a year back when I met someone at work. She's never been married and is a very dynamic and driven individual and the organisation has been very impressed with her performance. She is also a people's person and has a lot of friends at work. We worked on a few projects together, and well, have a daily interaction. Gradually our work meetings got converted to a few after office dinner or coffee outings. We both feel a lot at ease in each other's company and started sharing our interests and aspirations and fears. I haven't done that in a long time with even my closest friends. She feels the same way about me. I feel if I had met her first I wouldn't have taken a long time to propose to her. I have told her this and she didn't object to it, rather gave a wishful sigh. I am sure she feels the same for me as we really connect and we have held each other in our arms on a few occasions. At the same time I feel I am cheating on my wife and it's something I never wanted to do. If I think of going one way or the other I know I will never be able to part with my wife because I share a great bond with her too. We also have a son who only strengthens our bond. I also feel guilty about this other girl as she could find a more socially acceptable, eligible bachelor if she weren't wasting her time with me? I feel very drawn towards her and don't know what to do about this situation, much as I try to withdraw, I can't.
Confused, Bangalore

Dear Confused, it is very human to want it all, to want that each and every need be met such that then one can feel happy. Each person will be meeting some of your needs. The two people and what needs each meets, can help you become aware of your own needs. Between these two people, chances are all your needs are getting met.The choice you have to make is not between the two people. The real choice/ decision you have to make is what are your needs that are important for you to meet, what needs are your priorities. We think that all are needs are important, not only that, we think that all are needs are equally important, and unless all are met, we can't be happy. We do this because its painful to think and accept that some of our needs in a relationship will be unmet. 
 

Dr. Shruti Kalra is a Consultant and a Clinical Psychologist at VIMHANS Hospital, Delhi, for the last 10 years. She specializes in the areas of relationships, marital and family Issues, adult mental health, depression, counseling skills and psychological assessment.

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